Clash of the Cucumbers
by OneMightyWoogle
Summary: Crack. Read. If anyone wants to take a story with even 1/78 parts seriousness, do not read. Thank you.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I totally don't own Star Trek, Star Wars, Harry Potter, or Labyrinth. And also, FallChild92 is partially responsible for this, she helped write, like, half of it. And she betaed it too! What a sweetheart, amiright? END OF NOTE

CHAPTER 1

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Harry pulled his wand out of his pocket. He cast a silent spell to open the door to Spock's quarters. "Lights to 100 percent," he said, but the lights didn't turn on. Oh no! A malfunction! he thought hurriedly. "Lumos!" he said loudly, and jumped back in aroused surprise as he noticed Spock and Kirk's naked bodies writhing on the bed in unison. He quickly felt a cucumber rising in his pants, before he noticed that Spock and Kirk hadn't stopped their hurried love-making, though they saw him.

Harry quickly pulled off his trousers and robe, joining the sweaty bodies on the bed. He grinned as he noticed that Spock's cucumber was a pleasing emerald green.

HARRY JIZZED ON KIRK'S BREASTS

SPOCK HAD THE FIRST DOUBLE ORGASM MIND MELD IN VULCAN HISTORY

DRACO WAS SAD AND ALONE

XZXZXZXZX

The milk dripped from Kirk's mouth as he suckled Spock's voluptuous teats, so rubbery and satisfying. Spock, being a Vulcan, was born with eight individual nipples, so Harry joined in by latching his salivating lips to his sweaty chest. Spock groaned a glorious Vulcan groan. Harry and Kirk could tell he was enjoying the wonderful love-making. However, Spock soon ushered the Captain and the young wizard off of his torso, and went down on the two. Using his Vulcan logic, but at the same time, his human skill of delicate sexiness, Spock began rubbing their cocks with the best calculated up and down motion for maximum pleasure.

THEY BOTH JIZZED ON SPOCK'S FACE

"MERLIN!" MOOAAAAAANNNNEEDD HARRY, "THAT'S THE BEST!"

"GROWLLLLL!" CAME AN OMINOUS ROAR!

Just then in the hatchway, a Wookiee, nay, not just a Wookiee, Chewbacca, was standing proudly. You could barely see his face beneath the hair and the dim love-light, but you could tell he was ready for some lovin's. Chewie mosied on over to the pile of assorted males with a mighty Wookiee mating swagger as he roared a mighty roar that roared, "Oh shit! I really want some sex a whole lot, like, now!"

But just as the fur around Chewbacca's groin was rising, a red alert was sounded throughout the Enterprise. Kirk immediately spat out Harry's manhood, and rushed to a communicator.

"Status report... mister Chekov!" Kirk in all of his Kirkiness commanded sternly; he was in captain mode now.

"Keptin! Zere eez ahn uhnknoown sheep approachhing! Eet's weepons ahr arhmed und lochked!"

"Spock, throw on your clothes, we need to get to the bridge!" Kirk exclaimed. Spock did as he was told and they were quickly out of the hatch to the elevator. Spock's cucumber was still there, Kirk could see its magnanimously large bulge in Spock's pants. Kirk was having difficulty keeping his down as well, but he had a job to do.

As the door swung open to reveal the bridge, the Captain and his first officer got odd looks from the crew despite the supposedly serious situation. Almost simultaneously, they both looked down. Kirk and Spock had accidentally put on each other's shirts in the rush. Kirk ignored the awkwardness and went straight to commanding. "Have you tried hailing them?"

"No response, sir."

"Put it on the main viewer."

Right after his order the screen flashed on.

Nothing?

"...Mr. Sulu?"

"It appears to be gone, sir."

"Yellow alert; it may not be, Mr. Sulu."

"Aye, sir."

"Mr. Chekov, call for Chewbacca and Harry to come to the bridge, I... believe they will be able to assist."

Spock turned to Kirk and raised a single fabulous eyebrow. He knew what was going on.

MCCOY WAS VERY CONFUSED AND SO WAS EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE BRIDGE

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Somehow, even in a crisis situation, the only thing Kirk could contemplate was how delicious Spock's ass looked bent over his station. Were regulation uniforms that sexy on everyone? One glance at the command station, his eyes focused on a very Asian Sulu and a not-Asian Chekov, told Kirk that they were.

In fact, as Kirk felt a cucumber threatening to rise in his pants, he decided that since they had been in limbo with no new information for a good two hours, he might as well make some use out of his time. He sauntered over to the unbelievably sexy Vulcan and, with a sharp sound, confidently slapped his Vulcan booty. Everyone on the bridge looked up at the sound.

"Captain, permission to speak freely?" Uhura asked.

"Permission granted."

"Let's have a bridge orgy. Nao."

Immediately, as if on cue, every bridge crew member stripped their tight uniforms. This was something Kirk could get used to, he thought as he writhed and moaned under McCoy's delicate surgeon hands and Spock's tender care. This was definitely something he could get used to.

Uhura had somehow ended up on the comm station with Chewbacca, who seemed even more ready for lovin' than he had been in Spock's personal quarters. His cucumber was doing things no human, nor even Vulcan, could accomplish. Uhura internally thanked the fact that the ship had found Chewie floating in an escape pod among the wreckage of the Millennium Falcon.

Harry Potter, in contrast, had resumed his activities with Kirk and Spock that they had been engaging in before the disruption. His cucumber was placed in between two of Spock's breasts, which were squirting a delicious milk into Kirk's mouth with every thrust. Spock's eight individual teats were normally hidden, as his body absorbed them; the milk-producing glands only filled the sacks with liquid when the nipples were stimulated. Stimulated now by Kirk's mouth, they were. Both Kirk and Spock were highly pleased that Harry Potter had stepped into the wrong mirror in Hogwarts, only to end up on the USS Enterprise.

Chekov and Sulu were where one would expect them to be. Chekov was sprawled over the command station, with Sulu's glorious Asian cucumber inside of him.

"Ах, да, Сулу! Сложнее с вашего азиатских боже мой(Oh, yes, Sulu! Harder with your Asian goodness)!" shouted the impossibly young Russian.

XZXZXZXZX

Chekov lost his balance and moved his arm to more strongly position himself on top of the command station, thus pressing a button causing the view screen to flicker on. Chewie gave a growl as his cucumber ejaculated from the surprise right into Uhura; her so smooth and him so rugged. They looked like a well thought out work of art. Kirk floundered out of the complex knot that was Spock, Harry, McCoy, and himself. Gazing at the projection, Kirk saw a very peculiar vessel, one unlike anything he had ever seen before. This when he realized that, still, nobody was wearing clothes. Everybody scrambled to get clothed at the chance the opposing ship would attempt to make communication.

Now with everybody in uniform (Kirk and Spock managed to pull the correct shirts on this time), excluding Uhura who was too pleasantly exhausted to focus on anything but what just transpired with Chewbacca. Wookies are rough lovers; she was in ecstasy.

"Whut eez eet, Keptin?"

"It looks like... a sheep... made out of BUTTS!"

Spock was at the science station, hard at work. Shortly, he added, "My analysis indicates that it is indeed a giant sheep composed entirely of human buttocks, Captain."

"My god, Jim!" McCoy belched in dismay, "Spock's wearing my shirt!"

Spock thought something was different about his uniform. He ignored this and tried to focus on the situation, but it was just so difficult to put his mind to anything but the pure joy he felt to have all of those cucumbers on his lips and nips. Was this love? Was he in love? It was all so confusing to him.

"Well, if I know anything about butts," Kirk announced, "it's that things that go into them are far better than that things that come out of them. We need to get aboard that thing lest it makes an attack on us."

Chewie roared in agreement. Kirk needed to compose an away team.

"Chewbacca, Mr. Sulu, McCoy... Spock!" The Captain pointed at each as he spoke their name, "Come with me. Mr. Chekov, you have the con."

After they left, Chekov turned to Harry with a sexy look on his face, Harry could feel the cucumbers growing between them. For once, Harry wasn't the one casting the spell, and he couldn't resist Chekov's charms. He wanted to drink his potion so badly. They started at each other, ignoring Uhura who was still lying half naked on the floor in her post-Wookiee lovin' trance, seemingly very unaware of anything happening around her.

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	2. Chapter 2

CHArpER 2

As they boarded their transport vessel to new and surprisingly buttlike territories, none of the composed away team could get their sexy minds off of the subject of what had recently transpired. Spock's core was rolling with emotions, towards the Captain, towards Harry Potter, even towards McCoy and Chewbacca. Kirk was basking in his post-coital joy. Sulu, on the other hand, was pretty sure he was gonna get arrested or something, because he had just had rough sex with an underage boy in the middle of a crowded room.

Soon, the vessel reached the entrance towards the largest of the butts, one that Sulu assumed was the docking entrance. He put thrusters on impulse power, slowly but surely nudging into the opening through the two flabby cheeks. If anything was a sure thing, it was that Sulu was experienced in the art of anus-entrance.

The appearance inside of the butt was that of any rectum; that was, until they reached roughly twenty feet in. Then, slowly but surely, their environment surrounding them changed to one that matched directly that of a normal starship.

"It appears that the ship, which was previously surmised to be comprised of human buttocks, is internally identical to the USS Enterprise, Captain," Spock's smooth baritone ejaculated.

Kirk placed his hand on his chin attractively.

"Open da hatches, let's go," Kirk called, rubbing his hands together excitedly.

As they hurried out of the vessel, each crew member's mind was on the fact that they had forgotten to bring a redshirt. How unfortunate.

"I see you've discovered my... special ship," a grandiose voice called as they exited.

Every member of the away team immediately focused on the speaker. He was an attractive man, striking in a puffy Renaissance shirt and tight leggins that left nothing to the imagination. His cucumber, it appeared, was a large one.

"My name is Jareth. I am the Goblin King. This is my humble vessel... the USS Sexy. Allow me to introduce my officero numero uno, Spockizzle."

Kirk's mind, which had previously been focused on how this Jareth dude used ellipses in speech a lot, suddenly snapped to the officer in question. He was an ebony-skinned, just as sexy, version of Kirk's own first officer. Spockizzle had a very large, very dense, very attractive afro.

"And I am the chief medical officer," crawled a greasy voice.

The members of the away team, who were all bewildered at this time, looked into a darkened corner. Cobwebs hung haphazardly from the ceiling, and it seemed as if there was ominous music emanating from it. A figure stepped out, his long, hook-shaped nose exiting the shadows first.

"Snape!" came McCoy's startled call.

"Ah, not quite, my friend," purred Jareth. He was now twirling two crystal balls in his hand. "This is Snapeizzle."

And, indeed, this man was a doppelganger of Snape. However, his skin was a chocolate shade, though not the deep attractive dark chocolate that Spockizzle's was.

"So, who the hell are you fools?" Spockizzle spoke.

"We... are members of the United Federation of Planets, and I am Captain James Kirk of the USS Enterprise," Kirk stated proudly, though he was trying not to seem too hot headed in front of unknown lifeforms.

"Save it, Captain, we know about your Federation... and your ship," Jareth chanted, still playing with his crystal balls. "My ship is not called 'USS Sexy' for no reason, Captain."

Well, that was obvious, excluding Snapeizzle. Kirk nor anyone else could help but have lustful thoughts of The Goblin King and this exotic edition of Spock. But just in case, Kirk inquired, "And for what reason is that, Jareth?"

"You see, my ship... is equipped with specialized equipment that searches for the current sexiest possible being... in the 'Final Frontier.'" The tight-clothed king approached the away crew, focusing on Kirk, his crystal ball twirling becoming much more complicated. "Then... we capture it!" With the swift motion of both of his hands, the crystal balls vanished.

Breaking the bewilderment of the crystal ball illusion, Sulu called from the shuttle craft, "Sir! We appear to be moving more and more rapidly away from the Enterprise!"

"Turn this vessel around," The Captain barked, "do you think this is some kind of game, Jareth?" Kirk was right in Jareth's face. Everybody, including the USS Sexy's personnel, went silent. Kirk looked enraged.

"Oh, James... I think of this as much less of a game..." -the suave King looked slyly into Kirk's eyes, and to Kirk, the orbs almost appeared to be glimmering- "...than YOU do."

That was the moment their mouths collide, and Kirk felt like melting into the breathtakingly attractive King. Kirk fell to his knees, he'd lost all of his control. "This..." proclaimed Jareth, "...is why you were selected by my ship." Kirk could see the cucumber on Jareth perfectly through his pants, and it was noticeably larger. "You were selected...for me."

Jareth was already stripping off his clothing. Kirk did the same, and everyone around quickly followed. Soon it was a similar scene as from the bridge on the Enterprise, scarcely thirty minutes previous. Clearly, what Jareth had been doing earlier was not the only skill involving balls he was exceptional at. The Captain could not believe the things he was doing to his cucumber with his tongue.

Meanwhile, Spockizzle rushed at Spock shirtless, as if assaulting him. Spockizzle forced Spock to the floor, kissing his white chocolate body. As Spockizzle took off Spock's trousers, the darker version flipped the lighter one over, breaking and entering the Vulcan's tushy with his ebony cucumber. Each and every thrust was so very rough, was this what Spock himself was like to his lovers? Spock could only hope that he, too, caused such hurtful pleasure into others as his black counterpart did (which he did).

But suddenly the superfluous humping became more rapid and was hammering Spock's rectum even more. Spock found it difficult to see, but he turned his head slightly to witness just what was making the moment more enjoyable. He saw Chewbacca, who had pleasantly and surprisingly made a train by sexin' right on into Spockizzle's tucus.

"DAMN, NIGGA!" Spockizzle yelped, as the Wookiee's cucumber was moving like a tentacle of erotic satisfaction inside of his anus.

"RUPHGROWLARHARH," Chewie thundered, "GROWLLEHGHFF!"

And then they fucked forever.

**THE END**


End file.
